There is a long, convoluted story about why I'm writing it, involving a movie that hit a little too close to home and me dissolving in sobs at the end as a baffled husband comforted me, but here's the punchline...
I like to be right.
I'm pretty good at arguing. I think that's what you get from two smart older sisters - training. It always feels like a challenge to me, to find the logic and support my point of view. And in fact, it's pretty cool to be able to dissect and analyse things to come to the 'right' conclusions. It makes me feel smart, and powerful. It makes me feel like this:
Which is pretty awesome...unless you're the wall.
I have a tendency to metaphorically bowl over (or punch through) things or people that are in my way. It's not my intention, it's the way my brain works. But it doesn't mean I don't hurt people.
I think as a woman of average-ish attractiveness, I feel like I need to make up for it somehow. That if I'm not particularly pretty, I better be smart. Otherwise, what do I have to offer? But the fact is, I don't have any friends where I think, "What I really love about so-and-so is how right they are all the time", or, "Gee, it sure makes me feel good to spend time with a know-it-all".
The aforementioned movie asked, "Would you rather be happy or right"? But I think even more important is, "Would you rather be kind or right"? I hope my reputation isn't that I work really hard to be right all the time. I'd like to be thought of as smart, sure, as analytical or interesting, as someone who challenges others to do their best. But a million times more I want to be thought of as kind and loving and supportive. As a listener. So here's the thing, folks. I hate admitting this. I hate putting it out in the world and confessing that, perhaps, my judgement has been flawed. It makes me feel gross and uncomfortable and ashamed. But it's been on my heart, so here goes:
I'm sorry if I've punched through you. I'm going to try to do better.
And you can thank Andy Samberg and Rashida Jones for that.