Thursday, November 7, 2013

Backsliding, or The Hunger Games

There's the sort of hunger that aches in you, when your stomach is so empty it feels like it's collapsing in on itself.  Being hungry like that used to make me feel like this:


I don't feel that hunger very often, but I woke up with it today.  It doesn't make me feel like Jafar any more.  It makes me feel sad, and a little confused.

I've been having a bit of a moment.  We are going on a vacation, a beach vacation, in one week. We've been talking about it for ages and I am veeeery excited.  But I tried on my bathing suit last night and I felt a bit icky.

This is okay - everyone feels a little icky about their body sometimes.  I have a minor injury that's prevented me from exercising, and I know that once I get back to it I'll feel better.  But.  My vacation is in one week.  And I feel icky.  And I feel tired and I just turned one year older.  So, I started thinking about how I could feel less icky in one week.  And the only answer I came up with was to stop eating.

I knew this wasn't a good answer.  So I thought about it for a while.


And I didn't come up with anything else.  I went to bed, not sure what I was going to do when I got up in the morning.

I woke up with that angry hunger in my belly and I felt the sadness and confusion that comes with it.  And I didn't know what to do, whether I should stop eating, or binge, or what.  So I stopped thinking about a plan, and I ate a piece of toast, just to make that sad, confused hunger go away.

I ate the piece of toast not knowing if I would eat anything else for the rest of the day or week.  I just thought, "I can eat a piece of toast", and then we can go from there. Sometimes it's too hard to make a plan, and to think about feelings.  Sometimes all you can do is take it one bite of toast at a time.

4 comments:

  1. I love you and your honesty. so much

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  2. You're right friend. Sometimes you have to take it just one bite at a time. Remember how you always tell me I'm beautiful no matter what? Well - back at you I know it's easier said than believed, but I'm saying it anyway. You never know the one time it will get through.

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  3. So inspiring Shantini. Sorry to post as Anonymous, but I'm not at a place like you are yet. But your blog inspires me, I frequently check it out, and just revisited this post today after seeing you repost it on Facebook. Just wanted to say my thanks again for being strong and putting it out there publicly.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Anonymous. You're smart, and strong. I can tell. If you ever need an ear, anonymous or not, let me know.

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