Anorexia is hard to talk about, and it sounds so serious and weird. It doesn't wrap up nicely in one blog post. It doesn't have a beginning, a middle and an end. And it CERTAINLY doesn't have a denouement.
In light of the discovery of thisishardtowriteabout-itis, I've started with a collection of stuff here. I'm sorry it's not neat and clean and organized, but as it turns out, my life isn't always neat and clean and organized. Unless my mother-in-law is coming over. Then I have that shit under control.
So, for your reading pleasure; my heavily-giffed anorexia anecdotes:
- For years (maybe ten years? I'm not sure) I didn't eat bananas or peas. I didn't eat bananas or peas because I thought they had too many calories for a 'healthy' food, and I instinctively avoided them until I met with a nutritionist and learned - get this - bananas and peas are good for you.
- Milk chocolate covered almonds have a really weird taste memory for me. When I was a kid, I would (obsessively) sell boxes of chocolate covered almonds to raise money for whatever things you raise money for at school. I would also hoard and eat box after box while hidden in my room, paying for them with my toonies and loonies and sneaking the empty boxes out of the house. To this day, when I start eating them I cannot stop, as you will be witness to if you ever offer me one of your chocolate covered almonds.
- Foods I lived off of when I was anorexic: Green Tea, Diet A&W Root Beer, Broccoli, Low-Fat Hot Dogs (yes, those exist), Apples, Diet Jello in every flavour.
|Seriously. So much Jello.|
- Once my boss asked me if I liked the band 'Cake' and I thought he was making a fat joke.
|I do. I do like cake. BECAUSE I'M ENORMOUS.|
- I don't ever give numbers about how much I weighed at my smallest, or how many calories I ate a day. The reason is that at my worst, I would read articles about anorexic women with these numbers included for shock value. I would compare myself to them to see if I 'beat' the anorexic person or not, and if I didn't, I would consider it an inspiration.
- When I was eight, one of my favourite books was called Kate's Turn. It's a great book, actually, about a young ballet dancer who gets into an exclusive ballet school and then quits. I read it so many times that the cover came off. I found it when I was a teenager, and I kept it on my dresser as motivation for starving and purging. I wanted to look like a thirteen-year-old ballet dancer. Or more accurately, a drawing of a 13-year-old ballet dancer.
|I still love the book...don't blame the book.|
I wasn't sure how to end this (because of the aforementioned NOT neat and clean and organized), so I ran it by Steven...the only thing he said was that he doesn't think I've properly conveyed just how much jello I ate. When I met my room mate's brother, he said, "Oh, you're the one who eats all the jello", and then for several years after that it was the only fact he remembered about me. Steven said that my description leaves it up to the imagination, and people cannot possibly imagine the volume of jello consumed. So let me be clear...it was a lot. of. jello.