Thursday, October 16, 2014

On Not Pregnant

I am not pregnant.  Lest you think that this is some cutesy, backwards-day post of me announcing that I am, in fact, pregnant, I'll lay my cards out on the table right now.  Not. Pregnant.

But for a week, seven long days, I thought maybe I was.

Steven and I are of the nauseating sort that share the minutia of our days and thoughts with each other, so it was strange that I did not tell him.  But I'm good at processing my thoughts, and not so good at figuring out how I feel about my body.  Obviously.  So I quietly waited and calmly googled caffeine intake during pregnancy to find out if I could drink my morning coffee because dammit I wanted it.

I see the way that women tell their partners that they are pregnant.  With secret, serene smiles.  With meals full of baby carrots and baby potatoes and leg of lamb (which is weird - let's eat things that are like babies?), with tiny hockey jerseys, and I wondered, should I try something adorable and memorable?  When people ask, should I put on a big smile and say it was planned, or it's a surprise but we are so happy and excited?

       ...I would be pregnant along with people I love, I thought.  That would be nice.
       ...We could tell Steven's parents at Christmas time.  They would be so happy.
       ...I am married to the man I love, we like kids, we could make it work financially.
       ...This is God telling us that this is His timing, taking the decision out of our hands.

But there was no excitement in me.  Just dull dread and fear and confusion, wondering why I didn't want this and what was wrong with me.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

The Moment Before

We were swapping war stories.

A room full of people who had a parent die early, or become really sick.  We talked about the moment.

"I was in college", he said.  "I was working in a warehouse.  I got the phone call that my dad had died, and then I had a shift, and I thought, 'I better go to work'.  So I went to work.  Then I told the guys and they said, 'Go home, man'.  So I did."

She had made a comment trivializing the very disease he had been diagnosed with at the dinner table.  He came to her room after the meal to break the news.  "I felt like the world's biggest jerk", she said.  

"It's weird now, I always feel sad.  It used to be that my default was happy.  But now, when I'm not thinking about anything, it's just sad", he said.
"Yup, that's pretty much how it goes", I said.