Monday, November 14, 2016

Dear Small Boy #4

Dear Small Boy is a series of letters about perinatal depression. To read part one, click here

Dear Small Boy,

I think a lot about footed baby pajamas.

The other day, our prenatal class instructor asked all of the moms and dads one thing that they were looking forward to doing with their baby in the hours after the birth. They said things like:

"I can't wait to finally hold him."
"I'm so excited to find out if it's a girl or a boy."
"I just want to see all of her fingers and toes and what she looks like."
Your dad, who is the most wonderful, said,
"I can't wait to see Shantini be a mom."
Finally it came to me and I said,
"I hope that I will be happy to hold the baby. But because I don't know if I'm going to love it, I'm mostly focusing on baby pajamas."
           *short silence where everyone turned to stare at me (us)* 
"The ones with the little feet."
The room got very quiet so I got louder.
"Because even if you don't love it, a tiny baby in pajamas with little feet on them is really cute. So that's something I'm excited about." 
To her credit, the instructor handled it very well.

The therapist tells me to look for evidence. To find evidence that things will be okay, or evidence against the bad thoughts. To think of positive things. Here is my list of positive things:

  • Making you an extensive and diverse nursery library
  • Your dad and I will take care of you together
  • Footed pajamas

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